we have pet lesbian snakes
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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