I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
