Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
