If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My butt remains clenched, sir.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
