she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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