you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
