I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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