I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
