Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
i think im in europe. pls send help
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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