Only a mothe r could love this liver
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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