well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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