Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
