i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
