Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
