he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
