she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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