you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
