My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
