i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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