my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
my liver is dry heaving
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
