i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
