You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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