Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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