I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
