I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
