so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I just made out with a guy for $7.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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