I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
