so that wasnt chicken after all
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
