I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I just blew my weed a kiss
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
