i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize