I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize