Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
are you so shy because you have an std?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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