Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
All the doctor said was why
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
