his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Congratulations! We have a period
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