if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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