theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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