Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I want to be your penis for a week.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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