I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
