WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
