I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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