guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
