just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Someone shattered a urinal.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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