There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
