And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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