You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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