guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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