I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
