Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
