if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
