did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
