What a fucking waste of an outfit
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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