She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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