My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
