Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize