Don't make out with my wife yet
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
