I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
