i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
