Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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