i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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