He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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