i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
