My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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