why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
