Nicole vs. Life
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
