Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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