i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Someone came in the potted fern
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
