If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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