I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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