Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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