apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
