I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
